THE DUDE’S HOW TO: PICKUP CHICKS
This shouldn’t surprise anyone…but I pick up more chicks than Brad Pitt, David Beckham and Ryan Gosling combined. In fact, my friends call me the Mother Ducker cause I have so many chicks. I’ve been traveling the country on the Dirty Girl Mud Run tour, and honing my pick-up lines in each city. It’s true that if you don’t use it you lose it. So luckily for you, I have decided to share my secrets on how to improve your uneventful love lives….you’re welcome. So here it is; The Dude’s playbook:
1. Always be yourself….Unless you can be someone cooler, then be someone cooler.
Here’s how it works. If you’re at a library and you see Helen of Troy, just being an ordinary Dude won’t cut it. Remember that blowoff acting class you took in college? Use it. I’m now NYT best-selling author of “50 shades of wood….pun intended”
2. Be attractive.
For some of you this is difficult (cough, Jack, cough). For everyone else it’s this simple; shower once or twice a month and you’re golden.
3. Never be a gentlemen. Women hate that, but they love jerks.
Chivalry is dead…and women killed it. Regardless, never hold doors and NEVER buy flowers. Don’t be a Ted, be a Barney.
4. Get an unimpressive wingman.
This speaks for itself, but if you surround yourself with unimpressive people you’ll look cooler. Fact. You may not be Zorro but you’ll look the part if you have McLovin standing there next to you.
5. Ditch the wingman and go with a wingbaby.
Most infants love night clubs. Perfect. Bring an infant to a bar and you’ll instantly be surrounded by ladies. I assume it’s because they know you’re experienced…..now that I think about it, this could be illegal. Don’t try this one.
6. Dating is a numbers game.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again and try often. She was probably one cat away from the loony bin anyway.
7. If you’re at a bar, buy her drinks.
It’s simple. The more you buy her, the more interesting you become. Start with an Appletini (they love those!) then work your way up to Jagerbombs. Nothing says “I love you” like Jagerbombs.
8. Scratch #7…Make her buy you drinks.
After all, you do work all day. It’s the least she can do. Quit being selfish, ladies.
9. NEVER call her back.
If you MUST contact her use SnapChat.
10. Always have pick-up lines handy.
Who doesn’t love a good pick-up line? My personal favorite is: “Are you a beaver?…cause dam!”