With The 2014 Winter Olympics kicking off, and myself being an expert on all things Olympic and otherwise, I’d like to lend your brain a hand with a little dose of knowledge and history.
It is common knowledge among (non-Russian) Olympic scholars that the original Olympics were invented by the ancient Greeks as an excuse for hot, naked dudes to get oiled-up and wrestle each other. This was very pleasing to the gods, especially Magicus Mikelus, the Greek God of techno music, ass-less chaps, and male strippers.
As The Games evolved, more sports were added to the mix, including javelin throw, discus throw, interior decorating, and tickle-fighting. The winner of each event was awarded an olive branch, a vat of olive oil, and a $50 gift certificate to The Olive Garden.
Because the games were as much a religious festival as an athletic event, The Olympics would kick off with a massive party, where the ancient Greeks would sacrifice 100 oxen in honor of Zeus, and then they would select a champion to compete with Zeus in a sexy dance-off (Zeus always won).
At the end of the festivities, when the smoke had cleared, and the last echoes of bass notes faded into the mountains, an army of slaves volunteers would descend upon the grounds to clean up the mountains of glow sticks and solo cups debris. These glorious traditions of athleticism and masculinity continued for several hundred years, but alas, all good things must come to an end. In the late 300s, The Olympic Games finally fell victim to earthquakes, floods, and massive hangovers The IOC, and were forced to take a brief, 1,500-year moratorium.
By the time The Olympics started up again in 1896, the world was a very different place. Greece was no longer an international superpower, nudity was all but outlawed, and Zeus had long-since retired to his summer home in Sarasota. The modern Olympic Games also featured a number of new events. Shooting sports had replaced stabbing sports, cycling had replaced chariot racing, and “hot nude guys grappling with each other in a pool of olive oil” had been replaced by “handball”. Needless to say, the addition of clothing to The Games took away most of the original appeal, but with the addition of exciting events such as “shark-boxing”, “chainsaw-juggling”, and “dressage”, The Olympics slowly began to gain traction again. By the 1920s, The Games were so popular that the producers decided to launch a spinoff series, which they named The Winter Olympics.
The first Winter Olympic Games were organized by the French Olympic Committee, and held in Chamonix, France in 1924. For the first time in the history of the modern Olympics, the host country (in this case, France) failed to win a single gold medal (LOL). On a different note: the first gold medal awarded in the Winter Olympics was won by an American (duh). This was actually a major accomplishment, because many of America’s best winter athletes at the time saw no reason to leave the best country in the world (‘Merica) just to go “prance around on some French mountain.”
The Canadian ice-hockey team, on the other hand, was so excited by the prospect of a tropical vacation in the French Alps that they promptly won a gold medal, with a combined score of 110-3 against Switzerland, Czechoslovakia, Sweden, and Great Britain. They celebrated this victory by dumping a cooler full of maple syrup onto their coach’s head. It took 17 minutes for the syrup to pour out, at which point they politely apologized and cleaned it up. On a patriotic note: the United States is the only country to win a gold medal at every Winter Olympic Games.
Over the years, a number of sports have filtered in and out of the Winter Olympics. Some events, such as bobsledding, figure-skating, ski-jumping, and ice-hockey, have been a staple since day 1. Other events, such as speed-skiing, skijoring, ski-ballet, and penguin-fighting, failed to withstand the test of time. With a total of twelve new events, this year’s Olympics will be the largest to date. In addition to their impressive size, Sochi’s Games are also slated to be the most-expensive, least-tolerant, and most dog-infested Winter Olympics in modern memory, as well as the first Winter Olympics held in Russia!
I’m sure you are all anxious to see what lays in store for us in this frozen land of bears, ballet, and vodka, but I know I speak for everyone when I guarantee that the USA will once again return victorious as champions of the world…and by champions of the world I mean, we’re going to send the most people, Ralph Lauren is going to rip off our Ugly Sweaters, and NBC will make ice dancing such a huge deal that you’ll find yourself inexplicably mesmerized by men wearing costumes stolen from the BeDazzled factory, whilst crying and wishing you had a dozen roses to throw at your TV. Go ‘Merica.