Before we discuss our current Valentine’s Day plans, I think it’s important to discuss the
holiday’s origin. Valentine’s Day is named after Saint Valentine, a medieval warrior who
is famous for fighting a bunch of dragons, and also for inventing love. Unfortunately,
over the centuries people have forgotten about the super-cool “dragon-fighting” aspect of
Valentine’s life, and have instead focused on the boring “love” thing. This can be
somewhat depressing if you are single on Valentine’s Day, especially if your girlfriend
recently broke up with you because you supposedly “talked about dragons too much” (as
if that were even possible). For those of you who have found yourself in that quagmire of
loneliness this Valentine season, I have prepared this helpful guide for celebrating
Valentine’s Day alone. (Even though I totally have a ton of dates on Valentine’s Day.
Like at least 50 dates. Definitely more dates than my stupid ex, who I don’t even care
about anymore, so, like, whatever…)
1. Hang out with friends
Yes, I realize that I just said that this is a guide for spending Valentine’s Day alone, not
spending Valentine’s Day with a bunch of friends…but life is full of surprises; get used to
it. Over the years, I have found that it is much more difficult to feel lonely when you are,
in fact, not alone. Whether you and your friends spend this time playing Dungeons &
Dragons, getting in gang fights, or simply crying into a bottle of wine as you contemplate
the meaning of your existence in relation to the endless expanse of the universe…the
important thing is that you are not doing it alone.
While my know-nothing psychiatrist may disagree with me on this, I believe Tinder is an
excellent way to fill that despondent void where your heart used to be this Valentine’s
season. Now, I have heard rumors of people using Tinder to form actual human
relationships, but I’m almost positive that’s an urban legend. We all know that the real
purpose of Tinder is to discretely judge people without ever having to put on pants or
leave the house. These veto powers are the perfect way to get back at your ex by
rejecting hundreds of complete strangers. Bonus points if they look like your ex.
3. Watch a movie
As you probably know, movies were invented as a distraction from the horrible diseases
that plagued mankind in the early 20th century. While measles, smallpox, and polio since
now have been cured; scientists have yet to discover a vaccine for heartbreak. Luckily,
we still have movies to distract us from the real world! Unfortunately, it is extremely
difficult to find a movie that won’t remind you of love, your ex, or your childhood pet
turtle, who succumbed to rabies, and had to be put down behind the old milk-shed (I miss
you Emperor Turtellini). If you like action movies, it’s easy enough to find one that
replaces “love” and “romance” with “violence” and “karate”. If you don’t like action
movies…well, there’s always wine.
According to science, there are specific molecules in chocolate, bacon, and various
desserts that effectively counteract the hormones that produce feelings of sadness in our
brains and/or hearts. I realize that you probably gave up unhealthy food for your New
Year’s resolution, and there’s no way you have possibly abandoned this goal so soon into
the new year… However, due to a loophole in the U.S. Constitution, New Year’s
resolutions technically do not apply on Valentine’s Day! This means you are free to
engorge yourself on chocolate, ice cream, and that industrial-sized drum of nacho cheese
that you’ve been saving for the zombie apocalypse (don’t worry, you can buy a new one
at Costco next week).
I know what you’re thinking: fireworks are exclusive to the Fourth of July, and have no
place in Valentine’s Day celebrations. Well riddle me this Kemosabe, what is the Fourth
of July, if not the most amazing break-up story of all time. Starring the polite, innocent
America, who ends an abusive relationship with her overbearing, control-freak boyfriend
(England). If you’d like a more in-depth analysis of this story, I would recommend
watching Mel Gibson’s documentary: The Patriot.
Whatever the reasons for our holiday alone-time, it’s important to remember that
Valentine’s Day is just that: a day. There are 364.25 other days in a year, so why dwell
on the silly traditions of just one of them?