The Dude’s Guidelines on: How to Survive the Holidays
1. Register for the Ugly Sweater Run!
The worst thing you can do during the holidays is nothing. I know it’s tempting to sit at home with a bucket of whiskey-eggnogs while watching The Polar Express and ransacking gingerbread houses, but trust me, that’s only fun for the first 10-15 days. After the novelty of your holiday bender wears off, the best thing to do is to grab your ugliest, most holiday-est sweater, and come join the Ghost of Christmas Awesome and myself at The Ugly Sweater Run! Coming to 30 cities in America and 2 cities in our syrupy neighbor to the north (Canada), The Ugly Sweater Run is a festive 5k through a winter wonderland of holiday cheer. Also, there’s beer at the end. What more do you need? Register here!
2. Eat a S**tload of Cookies
This one pretty much speaks for itself. Seriously, why are you still reading this?…
3. Invest in Pants With Elastic Waistbands
Not just for all those cookies – but that thanksgiving turkey needs to go somewhere too. Believe me, sweatpants are making a comeback. Don’t know where to buy sweatpants? Walmart is probably a safe bet… You’re welcome society.
4. Spend Time With Family
I know what you’re thinking, and no, it doesn’t necessarily have to be your family. While your family may be lucky enough to experience the warm embrace of holiday spirit as portrayed by the heartwarming teachings of the lovable Charlie Brown, my family gatherings are more reminiscent of the maniacal ramblings of a drunken Charlie Sheen. That having been said, I have an entire liquor cabinet full of friends and family who will stop at nothing to fill my soul with warm, holiday cheer. Whatever your familial situation may be, be sure to surround yourself with the people you love the most. Or don’t. Whatever, I’m not your life coach.
5. Send Out Holiday Cards
Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a painfully awkward photo of your family. What better way to reaffirm your existence to friends and relatives than by mailing them an ungainly collage of forced smiles and rigid poses that make Kristen Stewart look like Julia Roberts? If you’re lucky (like me), your mother will also include an update of your family history, highlighting your brother’s brilliant success as a Supreme Court gavel, and your perpetually disappointing career as a wooden mascot. (I get it Mom; you wanted a daughter!) Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that if you have to suffer through an uncomfortable family photo shoot, it’s only fair that your friends get to proudly display that masterpiece on their fridge.
6. Give Rather Than Receive
People always claim that it is better to give than to receive, but if everybody spends the holidays giving, then who will be left to receive their generous donations? Two words: I will. I have humbly taken it upon myself to bare the weight of society’s holiday altruism, and will therefore reluctantly accept your gifts of cars, iPads, cash, and cheese-of-the-month club subscriptions.
7. Start Your Own Traditions
Just like how my Human Movement family started The Ugly Sweater Run, starting your own family traditions can be a unique way to commemorate the holidays. Sure, you could always continue the standard traditions that have been passed down in your family from generation to generation. Or, you could be original for once in your life, and invent a ritual that’s so mind-blowingly festive it will make Old Man Winter shave his beard and move to Florida. If you are grooming your beard yourself make sure to get one of these great Men’s grooming kit. For instance, let’s say your family enjoys donning a cozy scarf and caroling through the neighborhood every year. Well, maybe it’s time for you to inject some adrenaline into the heart of that tradition, and start sneaking down your neighbors’ chimneys in the middle of the night with your Kiss cover band to perform the hard rock versions of your favorite carols. Perhaps your family likes to celebrate the season of giving by drawing names and exchanging gifts? Well how about you amp up that tradition, and this year you draw up a festive little fight club, and exchange some punches instead?? Spin the dreidel? More like spin the bottle! Wait… These are supposed to be family traditions; never mind.
I hope you’ve enjoyed our little yuletide lesson. Usually I charge a hefty consulting fee for such brilliant advice, but since it’s the holidays…